My mind is intent on being my enemy right now. It’s weaving false story lines meant to make me question everything that I’m doing, my business, and myself. I wake and it plunges me directly into insecurities and doubts. It grasps greedily to every negative thought and then feeds it to me, hoping I’ll swallow it down as truth. It slips in during quiet moments, and fights and claws for my attention when I’m busy.
Escape isn’t an option. If I try and run I’m only rewarded with a brief, false respite during which I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, on the watch for the next attach. Which is, of course, exactly what my mind wants me to do.
And the absurd part of all this is that these pernicious thoughts are growing into an impossible-to-ignore roar at precisely the time that so many things are going so right. But somehow and maybe even because of all of the good I find myself questioning it all and whether it’s nothing more than a farce. And if not that, then conveniently pushing the good from my mind, taking it for granted as part of the scenery – hardly an indication of reality or proof of my mind’s malicious deception.
This weekend is reminding me that running doesn’t work. I’m not swift or cunning enough to successfully hide myself in the hopes that my mind will eventually grow weary and move on to other prey. Instead, it feeds on the fears and insecurities and uses them to fuel its merciless attacks.
I tried drowning it out with mindless TV, and ignoring it with the assistance of friends and books. But those activities end up being nothing more than brief pauses that lull me into lowering my guard. And then the ensuing ambush wreaks even greater havoc.
Instead, it seems that if I want to banish this bullying brain behavior I’m going to need to plant my metaphorical feet, stare the beast in the face, and call its bluff. To peel away the mask and see that its nothing more than fear inflating itself as a desperate attempt at self preservation.
But there’s nothing worth preserving about fear like this. I am not being threatened by vicious animals or in a risky situation that may result in my imminent death. This is the sneaky fear that serves no purpose. And it's the fear that I must now scare shitless and send scurrying off.